im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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