whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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