all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
