i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
