We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
