A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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