when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I came so hard my ears popped.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
