he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Randomize
