the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
40s are totally the cure
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
