When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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