My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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