Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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