you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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