you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
