I am spending my child support on dildos
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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