I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
