I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
