Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
