I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
