I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
