Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I wear drunk well.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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