I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
