Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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