Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
