I am midnight drunk by noon
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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