he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
