Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
