some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
