I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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