I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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