DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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