how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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