I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
