Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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