If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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