went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
