i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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