John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
high people should be assigned attendants
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
