Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
