just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize