I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
