Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
