i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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