I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
