When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
