Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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