i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i've created a new STD.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
me + whiskey = a bad person
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
