we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
