"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
