I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
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