I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
