i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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