And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
