The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
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