I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
