my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize