I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
