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Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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