My Higher Power is John Stamos
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
