Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
